I read a lot of blogs. In fact, I really love reading blogs about furniture, fashion, DIY, lifestyle, interior design, travel and pretty much everything that is awesome and inspiring about what people are doing with their creative energy.
I also notice that people are sharing the news of their lives between these posts about lipstick, or lamps or the lastest whatever. Most of the news is about babies. Seems like most bloggers are in the age of "baby on the way!" Fantastic, and so excited for all these people (who I don't know personally) who are having great things happen.
Does anyone post when the NOT GREAT THINGS happen? I can only point to one blog called - An Inch of Gray where I can recall reading the most heartbreaking post (a couple of years ago). I had just gotten back from an east coast vacation as a storm was blowing up the coastal areas along the Carolina's and up toward Block Island where we were. I came across this blog post through another blog I was following, and here on the pages were the horrifying and super sad story of a blogger who had just lost her 12 year old boy in a drowning in a swollen creek near their house, during that same storm that I flew out of. It was so sad, and it was the first thing I'd ever read on this woman's blog, so probably not the time to get on board. I felt a lot like I was evesdropping on her tragedy, but then I thought she could probably use LOTS of support from all kinds of people right now, including people she didn't even know. I was cheering for her and wishing her well even if she didn't know it, and maybe that was helping her. I hope so.
What I'm getting at is this; I was planning to publish a blog full of ONLY great things, big and small that had to do with creative projects, DIY projects, farming, city life, etc... I didn't have anything planned that was going to make me wonder if it was appropriate for posting..... but then ALL OF A SUDDEN things changed big time for me and if I don't post this, then I'm a big fraud - one of those life-fakers. One of those people that pretend and edit too much on Facebook so that everyone thinks things are great for them all the time and they also only post pictures where they look the best and have no double chin. But for me, people, from here on out, you're getting the good, the bad and the ugly. And in some posts, all of them at once.
Here's the whopper - Last week, when my postings were non-existent, it was because I got some bad news and my hands were too clammy to type. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Seriously. I know. Shocking. Here's how it went down. I think it was about 7 months ago when I posted that I'd had a funny mammogram and I had to get get another one and an ultrasound. That confirmed I was clean. So off I went, happy to be free and clear. Well, just a few weeks ago, I was in the shower and I found a lump, right breast, off to the right side at around 10 o'clock on the book dial if your nipple were the middle. So, I watched it for a week, and it didn't really go away, so I called my doctor and she made me see the Breast Specialist at the UW Womens Clinic. She confirmed that I had a lump (or mass, as she said) and marched me over to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance - which is where they do all follow up stuff. When I got there I had a mammogram (which hurts by the way when you have a "mass" in there), then an ultrasound - where they almost made me feel better because they thought it was most likely a cyst or a fibroid tumor. But, to be safe they wanted to do a biopsy, because I am 50, and also because my Mom has had breast cancer. So, good to be safe. I had the biopsy - and waited patiently (or not patiently) for the results. That was last week on Monday, and I got called back with the news on Wednesday am. AND NOT THE NEWS I WAS HOPING FOR.
I can't really explain what it feels like, this limbo I'm in from hearing the news to understanding how bad or not bad it is, and knowing how to fix it. My next appointment is March 28th, and at that time I will meet my "team" which includes a surgeon and some others. I will also have an MRI and that will tell us more about whether the cancer is just in the one spot (which they say is the normal kind in the normal place - and I think I'm supposed to feel better about that - and I sort of do!) Until then, I just wait and I think adjust to the news.
So, in the next however long, there might be some posts related to the idea that I actually have cancer. Again - so weird. I'm not at all sick, I've never been sick, I eat right, exercise, and take really good care of myself - and suddenly at age 50, never ever having been sick ever, I am a person that has breast cancer. The news alone is enough to make me puke and shit my pants - often. Oh, and I've been crying a little bit. I think that's probably normal.
I am not going to sugar coat it people, but I'm also not planning to post any of those artistic photos of the reality of surgery, etc. Especially because I'm not quite ready for that yet. Baby steps! Anyway, sorry for the downer news, but if my blog is going to be an authentic representation of what's going on around here, I thought you should know, right now things are a little sketchy! I'll keep you posted on future events, but I might leave out the puking and shitting my pants.
Oh, and ps. Cancer can fuck right off. :)
Tomorrow I promise ordinary stuff, like planting vegetables and doing crafts.
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